Never Got that Memo

Sometimes the things that work the best are the things from a simpler earlier time. My mom had a cd when I was about 13 and thought I was going through really tough stuff. (Rachel Krampe, my best friend, had a boyfriend but I didn't...or some trivial thing that passes as tragedy in the teenage world) There was a song called "Walk On". And three ladies who sounded like they were having a kick butt time sang very close harmony on this rock-style (for my mom any way) song with lyrics about getting up, dusting yourself off and limping on.

I'm not going through any particular trouble at the moment. In fact my family experienced a miracle Easter weekend with our puppy and a life threatening situation.. As I write this I sit in a very comfortable home, curled up next to a Mastiff pup who loves me while my best friend and husband works at his spacious office downstairs with the older dog. We had an awesome dinner and actually cooked it together. We had great conversation and today at work was pretty okay. Yesterday I sang at the baptisim of my best friend's child, a high light of my singing career since it meant so much to both of us. Life is pretty darn decent.

But I've reached a point in certain aspects of my life where I just can't go on with things the way they are. I need to change my life. I need to change the way that I handle things, the way I react and I just want to live fuller. Diane Ackerman once said,  I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well."

If I don't change some things physically the length of my life isn't going to be well...lengthy and forget about the width part. There are so many things I feel limited in or have limited myself in. I just want to live fuller. Not necessarily in a sky diving sort of way but more in an at peace with myself and others sort of way, which for me is more terrifying. Can I really wrestle control of myself away from my own apathy and laziness? Gosh, I sure hope so. Time to put on my big girl panties and deal with me!

Walk On - excerpt
You can take your words made of psycho-babble.
I don't need no shrink to see my life's unraveled.
Pay you a mountain of gold to candy coat me lies.
I'm at the end of my rope, time I realize

That when the going gets tough and the tough are long gone, just
Walk on, walk on, walk on, walk on. Who-oh!

It is all I can do to climb out of bed this morning. I do not want to go to work. I do not want to talk or interact with anyone. I don't want to pet my dogs or brush my teeth or shower. I don't want to do anything but seek solace behind closed eyelids and sleep. I don't want to be happy for my best friend. I don't want to go banter with work people. I don't want to do anything but sleep. And I wish I could just wake up and it would all be different. But it won't and so I don't. I don't want to do anything but sleep.

Take some time. Why? So I can feel this way again and again and again and again? So I can literally wake up for another day and then three and then a week and then a month feeling this lost and down? Yeah that sounds just terrific. Let me sign up for the wait it out and time heals all wounds bullsh*t. If the universe is going to continue to screw me then I don't want to be awake for the process.

Work ~ Jars of Clay

Just in case, I will leave my things packed so I can run away
I cannot trust these voices

I don't have a line of prospects that can give some kind of peace
There is nothing left to cling to that can bring me sweet release
I have no fear of drowning, it's the breathing that's taking all this work

Do you know what I mean when I say, 'I don't want to be alone.'
What I mean when I say, 'I don't want to be alone.'

Empty spaces, shadows hit by street lights
warning signs and weight of tired conversations

In the absence of a shoulder, in the abscess of a thief
On the brink of this destruction, on the eve of bittersweet
Now all the demons look like prophets and I'm living out
every word they speak, every word they speak

Do you know what I mean when I say, 'I don't want to be alone, '
What I mean when I say, 'I don't want to be alone'
What I mean when I say, 'I don't want to be alone.'

Do you know what I mean when I say, 'I don't want to be alone.'....
I have no fear of drowning. It's the breathing that's taking all this work

My husband hugged me last night when we got the worst news of our young marriage. And as cliche as it sounds it did make things better because it meant I wasn't alone and that I could cry and completely collapse and it was okay. It was okay because someone, the best someone, was right there with me.

Michael Schoeffling as Jake Ryan in Sixteen Candles. I'm pretty sure every woman wants a Jake Ryan. There must be an entire generation of men out there who got dumped when the woman with them realized they weren't Jake. I feel extreme pity for all the men who got held up next to Jake Ryan and were of course found wanting. *sigh*

I have a lot of pet peeves so I thought I might narrow it to the ones I see on my commute.

First: If  you do not have a small child who routinely rides in your vehicle you CAN NOT have flippin' beanie babies or some other assortment of stuffed animals in your back window. You are weird. Clean out your stupid car and grow up.

Second: Why in the name of sweet baby Jesus do people put the model of their vehicle in Old English block font across their back windshield?!?!?!? Why?!?!? Is it so you can't see out the back and see us flip you off for your stupidity? Look guy, I know you have a NEON or a CORSICA and I just don't care. So take down the damn decal so you can see and get over your lame car. Even if it said ASTIN MARTIN I'd still think you were a tool.

Third: There is nothing so great, nothing so critical, nothing so mind-shatteringly awesome about yourself that you ever need to make a personalized license plate. No matter how you cleverly spell it I will only be able to read "Douchebag" on it.

Fourth: The blinker is there to be used. Your cell phone/mascara wand/book/newspaper/laptop/tv/whatever is not. Seriously use the blinker when you need to change lanes and when you are driving your car remember that is what you are doing....D-R-I-V-I-N-G!!!!

check out my friend Bree's blog, Hyperbole and a Half and unfortunately my own work's online morgue log. I have to keep up for work.